Terraria: Top 8 Greatest Gals

While Terraria unfortunately hasn’t won any awards for it’s completely non-existent dating aspect, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some great gals you can meet. And g-dangit, it looks like I’m gonna be the one to rank them. But lets be clear here, this is really just meant to be a bit silly if not a tad bit too well researched, so really just take away whatever you want from this.

 

Just who are these gals?
Well, of the many NPCs featured in the game, eight of them are female. And since the wiki uses he/him pronouns in both the Witch Doctor and Truffle’s entries, two characters who I just really wasn’t sure on throughout my thousands of hours in the game, they won’t be included. I won’t lie to you, for some reason I strongly thought that the Truffle was a girl, but I’m gonna respect his pronouns, hope the wiki isn’t lying to me, and move on.

I feel like this isn’t necessary but just as a heads up, there could be spoilers about certain aspects of these characters that will not be marked spoiler. I just didn’t really feel like marking them.

Number 8: Zoologist
So we’re one entry in and I already feel like I need to be clear about something – the Zoologist isn’t number eight because she’s a furry. I literally don’t care about that at all, and call it a hot take, but I don’t see the point in being mad because funny 2d block game added fox woman.

Onto the entry, and let me start of by saying I love her selection of names and items available for purchase. I love the idea of unlocking more items for purchase the more of the game’s creatures you encounter, it’s something I never really expected Terraria to have but I’m glad that it does. I started with that because it’s really all the positive things I have to say.
Let’s talk about dialogue. I won’t hold back punches, I’m just not the biggest fan of a lot of the character’s dialogue in this game, but Zoologist just operates on a different level. I can semi-tolerate the growling and stuff, but I swear if I have to read the words “stap” or “like” again I will remove her house. After I’ve bought the Mole Cart though, because that Mole Cart is stupid and I love it. Overall, the Zoologist just acts like an annoying teenager what is essentially all of the time which just isn’t my cup of tea, so she’s on the bottom of the list.

Number 7: Nurse
So healing? Kinda one of the best abilities for an NPC to have, I won’t lie to you. I can think of several fights where I literally only won because the Nurse was close and I could fully heal for the rough equivalent of $0.36 when compared to my amazing buildup of wealth. However, there is one thing that puts her so low on the list, and that is actually everything else about her.
She’s mean. Just not a nice person. I haven’t ran the numbers, but I feel like the average thing coming out of her mouth is in someway negative. I tell myself that she can do a lot better then the Arm’s Dealer since that guys a real jerk, but honestly they’re a pretty good fit together.
If I’m dying I’m probably in a pretty bad spot, and the last thing I would want in a moment like that is to be insulted. I mean, it beats getting killed obviously, but still. She could be a bit nicer.

Number 6: Princess
Yeah, so you know how I had that entire last entry about someone being too negative?

The Princess is a bit too positive for me. I’ve looked through all her dialogue several times and I literally see about three lines that can be interpreted as partially upset and that’s it. I’ll be the first to admit that that shouldn’t be a bad thing, but because she’s a princess I just find it annoying. I would much, much prefer it if she was a badass princess who’s fed up with being royalty and has transformed all her princess stuff into weapons she sells you or something like that. In her current state I just don’t feel the whole ‘everyone likes her’ shtick, because I feel like with the research I’ve done that at least a few of these NPCs would have a problem with someone who is always positive.
And honestly, even if it makes sense in the context that she’s the last NPC you get in the game, I would have liked to see more then a bunch of aesthetic and decorative items for sale. I’d explain it again but you already know what I want. Weapon princess.

Number 5: Mechanic
With permission from the Goblin Tinkerer let’s talk about the Mechanic.

Those two need to make their relationship public, that’s the truth and I refuse to let anyone fight me on that. It works better then a lot of relationships I’ve seen in media these days. You know what else always works really well and never falls flat ever? Puns and references. Those are always great and never bad. Especially when you just say them and there’s no following joke.
I like that I get wires from her and stuff, but I just can’t deal with her dialogue sometimes. To her credit, she does have the classic “Always buy more wire than you need!”, along with the Blood Moon follow up “Oh, let me guess. Didn’t buy enough wire. Idiot.”, but besides that everything else pretty much falls flat for me. But that continuity between lines does enough to get her here, so that’s nice.

Number 4: Stylist
I’ve used hair dye an approximate total of three times across my years playing Terraria and I have almost always covered it up with a helmet anyway. She is not here because of what she sells.

But she is here, and I’ll tell you why. First off, she’s the first girl on this list whose design I really like. The hair color and style is great, and the entire rest of her outfit just works really nice together. Along with that, the way her dialogue works reminds me of Gina from Brooklyn Nine-Nine if that reference checks, but if it doesn’t, it’s annoying done just right so that I somehow like her. It somehow just works for her character, because if any of the other girls whipped out a “Gurrllll!” they would probably be on the bottom of the list right now. I am quite thankful that this appears to be the only instance.
All around, I like being able to change the style of my hair even if I’ve never used hair dye, so I like the Stylist. Would be kinda fun if she sold some spider stuff, but the game’s done updating and that’s probably too silly of a suggestion to change that fact.

Number 3: Party Girl
Yeah so she’s Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony.

I’m not gonna ask if that reference tracks again because it’s dumb to use that twice and I hope that most of you understand it on your own, but we have more important things to discuss. Such as how the Party Girl has gone to Sweden. Is there a hidden preset Sweden seed or something that she visited before teleporting into my world? Can I go to 2D Sweden or is that for 2D people only?
Back on track, I for some reason enjoy how wacky the Party Girl is. There are only nine lines out of all of her dialogue where the word ‘party’ isn’t present in any form, I statistically should not like her, but I just do and I’m not going to stop. I really don’t have much else to say due to how similar everything about her is, but I will say that her selection of items for sale are pretty cool.

Number 2: Dryad
Uh oh, coolest method of offense check.

The Dryad’s Blessing has got to be one of my favorite ways that an NPC defends themself in the game. She really is a great help in boss fights where she can stay alive, so primarily in early game, and along with that she sells the Dirt Rod? One of the best items in the game? What more could you possibly ask for in a character?
Speaking of character, she really feels like one. She’s one of the few NPCs in the game who I really think it would be cool to learn more about them or see them be part of an actual story, and I appreciate that. Unfortunately a lot of people want to see ‘more’ of her in a completely different way, if you catch my meaning, which can be seen by people such as very innocent children scrolling though the Terraria artwork page and seeing a particularly, let’s say ‘fun’, image of the Dryad and be changed for the rest of their life because of it. And yes, that is based fully on a true story that I will NOT be going into and we will be moving on now.

Number 1: Steampunker
British Steampunk Woman. If hearing those three words together doesn’t let you know that she’s number one on this list I really don’t know what more you need.

However, I’ll still tell you everything great about her. Not only does she have a great, wide selection of items for sale, one of the more useful on this list and definitely a contender for most useful in the game, but her overall design really hits different for me. Combine that with a positively smashing list of available names and a surprisingly low amount of references in her dialogue, and I’ve gotta say, I really can’t find a flaw with the Steampunker. That honestly shortens this entry which is unfortunate considering it’s the number one spot, but that’s just because she’s so great that I don’t feel like I need to explain myself as much. Which means I probably do, if I’m even more honest with myself.
Just for a final note, I know the wiki says her accent is Cockney which might not be the stereotypical British accent I believe her to have, but I’d prefer to stick to exclusively the Terraria wiki for my research. God, if Cockney IS stereotypical British I’ve dug an even deeper hole, haven’t I?

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Post Author: Robins Chew

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